Um, hi. My name is Arin and I like girls. Welcome to my most personal and somewhat vulnerable post yet.
I feel like I should start out by saying that I didn’t even really plan on doing this, or if I did it would be during the summer. But I felt weird and like I should do something like this. So here I am. Doing this.
(Side note if you assumed or guessed this, I’m not surprised, I wasn’t trying to hide it, I just didn’t want to come right out and say it).
I don’t know how to begin, so I’m going to give a fun timeline of how I figured things out because when I was figuring things out I was desperate to know how people just knew this huge, enormous thing about themselves. And then, how they just like, seemingly suddenly dealt with it.
- Started college! Yay. What a great time for self discovery.
- After lots of late night thinking and research, I blurted out that I was asexual to two of my friends at dinner. I knew that was how I identified, but I had never really said it out loud or to myself before, so it was like. A big moment.
- This is where things start happening, folks.
- December 11th: I read The Miseducation of Cameron Post in one day. I listened to the audio and could not stop listening. I was feeling so many things throughout the entire book that I couldn’t yet identify but scared me a lot. I related to Cameron and the things she was saying way too much for comfort.
- I continued reading more and more books that had nothing to do with LGBT topics, hoping that if I ignored all of feelings and questions at the back of my mind they would just go away.
- I came back to college for a short term, which basically means I had one bullshit class that required essentially no work and left me with way too much time to think.
- I spent a lot of time thinking about Cameron Post and about my life. I was struggling to remember if I had any notable crushes or if there was some massive event in my life that I had somehow missed that would have given me an answer to this seemingly giant question (spoiler alert: there was not).
- Dodie released a studio version of her song “She” and I cried while listening to it on repeat. I couldn’t associate the song with any person, but it made me feel a lot of feelings that once again scared me.
- I also started to get really sad this month, I started feeling not like me, very empty, and tired like a lot. I spent way too much time thinking and just wanted to be able to get out of my head for a while.
- I started my second semester of college as an emotional wreck. I had emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown and a couple panic attacks thrown in for added variety. However, the new semester gave me a chance to throw myself at things that would keep my mind occupied so that I could finally stop thinking about everything.
- When I got so far ahead on school work that it became almost ridiculous to continue working, I laid in bed going on incognito mode on my phone googling fun questions like “how do you know if you’re gay?”
- February 15th: Mid conversation about something book related, I started sending Brianna a bunch of messages about how I had something that I really really needed to tell somebody but I didn’t want to tell anyone IRL yet but I didn’t just want to blurt it out to her either. Brianna, being the supportive, literal angel she is, was like, tell me. So I told her. I typed out five simple words: “I think I like girls.” Five words. Five words that had been driving me up a wall for two months almost because I didn’t want to admit them and deal with it. But I did. And it felt amazing, I suddenly felt like I was free. I hadn’t even said the words out loud yet, but typing them and knowing another person was receiving and processing and accepting it did wonders.
- February 17th: I told two friends at college, they both had very accepting reactions.
- I was flying high, happier than I had been in recent memory. It was amazing, I remember vividly how great I was feeling and how I was so glad this was dealt with.
- Then, I stopped feeling great. I went back to how I was at the beginning of the month, getting really sad all the damn time and crying what seemed to be 24/7. I started staying the entire hour of my sessions with my therapist, crying the entire time over anything and everything as I recounted the nightmares and the panic attacks and the random crying fits that had come back and gotten even worse. Then she introduced the word “depression” for the first time.
- I felt really confused, I had just admitted what felt like this giant thing to all of the people, family excluded, that I talk to regularly. I had gotten used to saying it, I could admit “I like girls” without my voice shaking or my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn’t understand why admitting it to myself and to other people hadn’t magically fixed things. Then I slowly started to realize that despite admitting it, I hadn’t really accepted myself. I still wasn’t comfortable in my skin.
- This month has been pretty rough. I’m still working through a lot of things mental health wise, both related to this and not related to this, but I am trying to learn how to be more accepting of myself and who I am. I want to eventually be comfortable in my own skin.
- This is part of how I’m doing that. It may seem weird or odd, but doing this has helped me so so much. Writing out all of these feelings and once again, knowing that there is a chance that other people will read these words and process and accept them, means a lot. So thank you, thank you so much.
That’s about it for this super personal post. Thank you again for reading, you have no idea how much it means to me.
A couple of fun notes before you go: I don’t use the label lesbian. I just don’t, it doesn’t seem right for me and I honestly don’t like it. I am totally fine with gay, you can call me gay all you want, but please don’t refer to me as a lesbian. I am also still very much asexual, the fact that I am romantically attracted to girls does not erase that.
Anyways, thanks again. I’ll see you tomorrow for something actually planned and book related.